Turn 1:
The game began with the ball being kicked off and given to a
bull centaur making way for early aggressive plays in which the dwarves smashed
through the Norse lines. Meanwhile the Minotaur smashed the ankle of Leif
Svenson and on the Norse side Sven (The yeti) succumbed to his animalistic urges
and screamed at Frederick Barbarossa rather than hitting him. At the same time Knut
Svenson rushed to tackle the centaur but was instead tripped by a sturdy dwarf
and fell flat on his face.
Turn 2:
Philip Augustus sprinted as fast as he could towards the end
zone completely unimpeded by any Norse players while the hobgoblins ran rampant with 2 of
them knocking down Norse linesmen on their own. Frederick Barbarossa screamed back at Sven,
which has since been scandalously revealed to be part of a conversation between
the beasts who are suspected to be currently engaged in an intimate love
affair.
 |
| The Dwarves get off to a good start and break through the Norse line. |
Turn 3:
Noticing that the centaur was out of range Harald Svenson
opted to simply back-hand a hobgoblin into the crowd where he was promptly
knocked out and Sven called back to Barbarossa just as his team was expecting a
block. In an attempt to bring the game back towards the masculine art of
face-smashing (or ansiktet skjøting) from the effeminate tactic of actually
playing the ball, Brumhilde Svenson tried to take out a centaur but was swiftly
put in her place by the retaliation. The drive came to a premature end as the
centaur crossed the line for an early touchdown.
 |
| Philip Augustus scores an early touchdown. |
Turn 4:
Sven began the new drive by once again defying his coach’s
advice and calling to his lover. Rolf Svenson carried the ball forwards into
the soon to be chaotic line of scrimmage while Sven Svenson howled at the moon
and then viciously ripped into Sigurd I, smashing his hand in the process. In
response Frederick Barbarossa lashed out at nearby linesman Brumhilde, what Sven
said is unknown but the result was not pretty. Richard the Lionheart took out
the ball carrier with the help of Anselm of Milan. On the other side of the
pitch a dwarf and goblin each knocked out their marks; a pair of linesmen, freeing
them up to be able to sweep into the melee in the centre.
 |
| Sven and Frederick roar at each other across the line of scrimmage. |
Turn 5:
2 werewolves and 3 linesmen worked together to bring down
the Minotaur before kicking him as he lay there, knocking him. He didn’t wake
up for the rest of the game. Seeing his beloved fall, Sven bellowed in rage, ran
across the pitch and upturned Richard the Lionheart. On the flip side a dwarf
charged and knocked out yet another linesman as the rest of the dwarf team
spent the time standing back up.
Turn 6:
Erik Svenson attempted to push Ghibellin across the pitch into the crowd but was cut short when the dwarf knocked Erik down. The fall was particularly bad as Erik smashed his knee on contact with the ground. Meanwhile on the other side of the pitch, Sven got distracted chasing Walter the Penniless whilst the dwarves and Norse fought over possession of the ball.
 |
| Sven chases after an unfortunate Dwarf. |
Erik Svenson attempted to push Ghibellin across the pitch into the crowd but was cut short when the dwarf knocked Erik down. The fall was particularly bad as Erik smashed his knee on contact with the ground. Meanwhile on the other side of the pitch, Sven got distracted chasing Walter the Penniless whilst the dwarves and Norse fought over possession of the ball.
Turn 7:
The Norse knocked over two dwarves and a centaur in the
melee over the ball allowing Jormungandr Svenson a perfect opportunity to pick
it up and make a break for the endzone. To that end he spectacularly fumbled
and knocked the ball into the crowd who swiftly threw it back into the centre
of the pitch. Walter the Penniless attempted to make a getaway with the ball
but tripped over in his haste. Despite this setback, he carried the ball far
enough away that it was clear for everyone to see that no more touchdowns would
be scored this half.
Turn 8:
While attempting to knock out Richard the Lionheart, Sven had
a brief mental lapse and roared passionately for his missing love. Knut Svenson
then attempted to knock out Pope Urban II but was taken aback by the unexpected
strength of the small creature as he instead found himself on the floor.
SECOND HALF
Turn 9:
The Norse came back to the game invigorated with Olaf
Svenson returning to the pitch. With the new Dwarven line lacking a minotaur,
the Norse front line led by Sven and Sven Svenson smashed through, with three
dwarves getting knocked down but no serious injuries being inflicted. Rasmusen
Svenson picked up the ball and followed closely behind the rampaging yeti. The
hobgoblins, realising that the real action was happening in the centre moved to
surround Sven, whilst Richard the Lionheart moved to cut off the ball carrier.
 |
| Hobgoblin and linesman face off. |
Turn 10:
Philip Augustus viscously barged past Brumhilde Svenson,
knocking her out without even looking back to see the damage he caused. Back in
the centre of the pitch Richard the Lionheart and Peter the Hermit began to
surround Rasmusen Svenson and the original front line of dwarves stood up once
more causing Sven to find himself surrounded.
Turn 11:
Sven was surrounded; all seemed lost as he was about to be
dragged down by dwarves from all sides. Suddenly a heroic blitz by Jormungandr
Svenson knocked one of the dwarves out of the way in order to allow Sven the
room he needed to more easily handle the others, sadly however at that moment
Sven remembered he had left the dinner on at home and roared in frustration at
the world. Meanwhile the few Norse who remained on the pitch at this point
cleared some space to allow Rasmusen Svenson to skilfully dodge away from the
circle of hobgoblins and centaurs that had been slowly forming around him.
However just as it looked like the men from the north were going to equalise,
out of nowhere Philip Augustus came swooping in brutally crushing Rasmusen to
death. Off to one side the dwarves managed to regroup and bring Sven down,
still roaring after his burnt food.
Turn 12:
Sven thought about getting back up and into the game but
managed to get distracted again by something, it could have been anything; the
thought of his love Barbarossa, his dinner or even the grass he was lying in. No
one will ever truly understand a Yeti’s mind as he reverts to his animal
instincts. The remaining Norse desperately attempted to bring down dwarves and
goblins across the pitch but were universally unsuccessful, instead merely
pushing them around a bit with a lacklustre attitude that can only be found by
people who know they have lost. Meanwhile, seemingly the best centaur in blood
bowl, Philip Augustus grabbed the ball and ran towards the endzone aiming for a
second touchdown. Anselm of Milan took this opportunity to kick Sven in the
head inflicting a serious concussion and another casualty on the rapidly
depleting Norse team.
 |
| Norse casualties build up, including the recently concussed Sven. |
Turn 13:
Whilst Augustus ran past the remaining Norse, they attempted
to chase after him but to no avail. The dwarves and goblins held the hardy folk
of the north in check. Things seemed to be at their worst for the Norse.
Turn 14:
Augustus continued walking slowly towards the end zone,
sensing that he had effectively already scored, and began showboating across
the pitch whilst in the background the broken and battered Norse remnants
fought off the encroaching dwarves and goblins.
Turn 15:
The sole remaining linesman furiously attempted to punch a
goblin but tripped himself over and knocked himself out on the ground, many
have since gone on to think he had it pretty good, not having to endure the
jeering fans any longer. Augustus finally got bored of his evident victory and
secured the touchdown.
Turn 16:
The drive began with just 2 Norse members on the line of
scrimmage, with the rest of the team lying knocked out in the dugout. Staring
down the dwarves defiantly having spent the recovery time dreading being piled
on by dwarves, wishing they could just give up, their pride was far too great
to accept defeat, so they continued to play. Both were swiftly taken out before
the whistle blew.
 |
| The last two Norse linesmen are mobbed by the Dwarves. |
The game ended with a crushing defeat for Skjøt I Ansiktet; 2-0
down with half the team badly hurt or worse and most of the rest knocked out.
It was likely one of the less lively trips to the pub for the inevitable
post-match drinking although I’m sure at least Sven Svenson would have enjoyed
himself having been nominated for MVP on the team. Meanwhile the Chaos
Crusaders celebrated a marvellous victory and thanked their chaotic masters for
an excellent start to the season, especially for their MVP Philip Augustus who
both scored twice and killed a man.
But it is important that we remember the
real winners here, Frederick Barbarossa and Sven who seem to have found true
love in the most unlikely of environments. True love is rare, and true love
between two slathering monsters is as rare as the proverbial four leaved
clover. For some players at least, the match ended happily.
